Top 10: Horror Movies of 2017

2017 has not been kind to horror films… or is it that horror films have not been kind to 1017? The title of this story is a bit misleading. It really should be “The 10 Horror Movies I watched in 2017 after googling ‘The best horror movies of 2017′”. I hate to say it, but 95% of the films coming out of hollywood within this last year, under-delivered. Call me an old man, but goddamn did they roll out quality releases in the 1990s. Every summer was a blockbuster event – you couldn’t even see all the good summer releases because there were too many.

Also, I don’t think it’s really possible for a 30 something year old man to really “get scared” at the movies. That might sound a little pathetic and society will surely judge me. That being said, I only recommend the top two movies listed. I know, that’s how bad movies have become. I could not even come up with a “Top 10 Horror Movies of 2017” list.

10. The Babysitter

Okay, this movie was not good. It just was slightly better than the other shitty horror films that came out in 2017, so I had to put it on here. The film is directed by McG. The same man who brought us Terminator:Salvation and The Offspring’s “Pretty Pry Fly for a White Guy” – among many other horrible things. The film is subject to many terrible cliches such as the “hot cool female neighbor who likes the nerdy guy” and character entrances that are accompanied by terrible beat-oriented backtracks. Overall, I had to list 10 movies so here you go – I do not recommend this movie. If someone gave me the ultimatum of watching this film again or having boiling hot soup poured over my face, I would have to ask “What kind of soup?” before deciding.

9. Creep 2

The premise of the film reads “A video artist looking for work drives to a remote house in the forest to meet a man claiming to be a serial killer. But after agreeing to spend the day with him, she soon realizes that she made a deadly mistake.” While not a straight up horror film, Creep 2 does deliver many moments of fear making it more of a hybrid film.

8. Annabelle: Creation

Whenever doing something suspicious – always carry a lantern late at night while doing it. This will make you seem much more nonchalant and call less attention to yourself.

Orphans got it tough. Especially orphans that live in haunted houses. I grew up in an orphanage, it wasn’t haunted but the food was terrible. I mean so bad that it might as well have been haunted. Anyways, when I first started watching this I couldn’t but say “Oh no, not another stupid doll movie…” I’m sorry, but dolls are not scary, they’ve been used as a scare tactic in millions of movies. Plus, I sleep with about three of my dolls every night and I assure you – there is nothing scary or weird about that. Similar to It Comes At Night we have another monster puking black goo into another person’s mouth. Whats with the monsters in these movies puking black ooze into the victims mouth? Sounds like a bad prom date after drinking too much Four Loko. Do kids still drink Four Loko? I also cant really do anymore haunted house movies. To quote the Bare Naked Ladies “It’s All Been Done”. Man, that was a great song. Hey! That was the 90s too!

7. It Comes At Night

The scariest part of “It Comes at Night” is when the plot disappears.

More puking into other people’s open mouths. Maybe I am getting old, but good lord, movies have gotten worse since the 1990s. It Comes At Night is a perfect example of mediocre movie that now gets labeled as a great movie in 2017. This movie has a score of 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. I cannot believe that. The movie tries to build the audiences interest by making us interested in what acutally comes at night which is the misdirection of the entire movie. The premise is that there is some type of viral disease that is killing off the population. A family of three quarantines themselves and never leaves the confinements of their home except when they absolutely have to.  Solitary confinement, fear of the outside world, increasing paranoia. Hmm, sounds like when I first started writing. It ends up being the people themselves that are the real threat within the movie. This ultimately leads to an unexpected yet unrewarding climax. I give this movie  a 7.9 on the moron meter and not a hair more.

By the way, the Dad is the same guy who was in 2011 remake of The Thing and that movie was pretty bad too. I guess he brought his stink over from The Thing to It Comes At Night. This movie also has too many Insidious-like moments – someone walking with a lantern held out infront of them going through a doorway, but not knowing what is on the other side. Still camera shots with out of focus background movement. More of the same. I also feel like it borrowed some aspects from It Follows, which I believe is one of the best horror movies in the last five years. Ultimately the families turn on each other as their paranoia and fear of contamination gets the best of both of them.

6. Little Evil

Dressing like Angus Young from AC/DC is the first tell-tale sign that your child may be evil… or at least “wicked”.

Another Netflix original because “Hey, Netflix only costs $9 a month” and going to the movies costs $9 a film. Plus, there is probably five people reading this right now. And that just ain’t serving enough ad impressions for me to make a substantial living. The film opens up with the prick brother from Step Brothers (Adam Scott) being buried alive before screaming “I want a divorce!”  I know divorces can be ugly and you can lose a lot of your belongings, but I guess it’s so bad that people are being buried alive now.  Why the hell they dressed Lucas (Owen Atlas) like Angus Young from AC/DC is beyond me. There is some “okay” comedy within the film, nothing great, but it keeps your attention while waiting on whatever the plot is trying to cook up. The best scene involves a “Step Dad Support Group”  where newly step-dads console each other about their evil step-kids.

5. Get Out

I’m a big fan of Key & Peele so I was pretty interested to see Jordan Peele’s first venture into directing. I’m just gonna say it now – this movie is overrated. It’s good, but the fact that it is currently listed as the number one horror movie of all time on rotten tomatoes – is insane. The movie is getting most of it’s praise due to it’s social commentary which I get, but the storyline has been done before (Look whose Coming To Dinner) and it just isn’t scary. The highlight of this film is actually the comedic relief courtesy of LilRel Howery. While worth a viewing – it is not the greatest horror movie of all time. I wouldn’t even really consider this horror, but everyone else does. Meh…

4. 1922

Adapted from Stephen King’s Full Dark, No Stars collection of short stories, 1922 takes place in – you guessed it, 1922. Based on a farm,Wilfred James, a farmer in Hemingford Home, Nebraska, owns eighty acres of farmland that have been in his family for generations. His wife Arlette owns an adjoining one-hundred acres willed to her by her father. Wilfred scorns the thought of living in a city, but Arlette is discontented with farm life and wants to move to Omaha. She seeks to sell her land to a livestock company for use as a pig farm and slaughterhouse. If she does so, Wilfred’s property will no longer be farmable and he will be forced to sell as well. Wilfred resorts to manipulating his teenaged son, Henry, into helping him murder Arlette. Overall, the film fails to deliver what the novella resonated with its audience.

3. Gerald’s Game

It has been a busy year of making money by not doing anything at all for Stephen King. It, The Dark Tower, 1922 and Gerald’s Game have all been adapted for the screen within the last year. While Gerald’s Game was a Netflix exclusive – the reception was very warm and I can confirm that the film actual works. I’m not a big fan of films that use sexuality or nudity in substitution for good storytelling. Hence why I never really wanted to read Gerald’s Game when it was originally released. “Oh, that’s the book with the woman chained to the bed. Meh…” I said to myself as I picked up the latest “Goosebumps” at the now-defunct Waldenbooks. R.L. Stine was actually my bridge to Stephen King’s writing. Good lord. Talk about going 0-60 in a few seconds.

The film is a woman’s psychological journey to come to terms with her demons while also being her physical journey to free herself from the bed she is cuffed to.  The irony is that when Gerald’s Game came out in 1993 – it was not well received, in fact many fans hated the novel.  Meanwhile, as far as new literature goes – Stephen King recently collaborated with his son and delivered “Sleeping Beauties” which has received negative reviews from fans. Both of Stephen’s sons are writers – Joe Hill, who did not want to use King as his last name and ride the coattails of his father’s success. Then there’s Owen King, who did want to cash-in on the family name and ride the coattails of his father. I gotta give it to Joe Hill (King) as his writing has been received with more acclaim than brother, Owen.

 

2. Alien: Covenant

Alien: Covenant has a 69% rating on Rotten Tomatoes whereas Prometheus had a 75%. Rediculous! Promethues may have had the visuals and hype behind it – it did not have the storyline nor the entrainment that Covenant delivers. They should have made Covenant with the budget and effects of Prometheus and scrapped the Prometheus script entirely. I also recommend the original Soundtrack by Jed Kurzel. Some very unique sounds and a pretty solid score build to the anxiety and compliment the film well.

Six long years have passed since Ridley Scott decided to troll every Alien nerd, living in their mother’s basement with Prometheus. Visually spectacular and heavily promoted with the original Alien director at the helm – the film seemed like a sure thing. The problem with Prometheus was it is simply the first two acts of a story without giving the audience the most important aspect of a story – the third and final act. There is no resolution in Prometheus while there is with Alien: Covenant. It’s like telling someone a really long joke (2 hour 40 minutes to be exact) and then giving them no punchline. That is an unbearable thing to do to someone. I know because I have several friends who put me through the same experience on a monthly basis. Prometheus spent its entire 2:40 setting up a story that it ran out of time before it could resolve itself.

Alien: Covenant has a pretty predictable opening for an Alien film – the crew is asleep in criostasis on a spaceship. The film is much faster paced than Prometheus. It’s possible that Alien: Covenant is one of the most fast-paced Alien films of all (tied with Aliens and Alien: Resurrection). The storyline is a little bit better than Prometheus and has something that Prometheus completely lacked – suspense. We see new ways for our alien foes to be birthed – the most gruesome being what could be referred to as a “back-burster”.

It’s gotta be difficult to write an Alien script going on it’s sixth installment. We’ve seen aliens burst out of chests, human heads, dogs (that one still upsets me). The original version of Alien 3 actually had the alien hatching out of a dead ox. We’ve seen characters eaten by aliens, burned alive from acid, ripped in half by aliens. The point being: how do you make a fresh alien death scene nowadays?

Alien: Covenant delivers on every aspect and better than Prometheus except in one category: visual effects. Quality visual effects are usually the easiest thing to obtain in hollywood movies nowadays, but there are some composite shots that are just tacky in this film such as when the first alien breaks through the medical bay glass window to chase Farris.

All in all: Alien: Covenant gets a 8.4 on the Moronmeter, surpassing Prometheus which earned a 7.9.

1. IT

There is no contest on this one. This novel was made into a craptastic mini-series in 1990 and smeared a turd over the novels legacy.  Stephen King is just making a killing this year off of doing nothing, but selling the writes to books he wrote 20+ years ago. Whoever directed the original miniseries must be bedridden, eating a pint of Haagen Dazz after the success of this film. Oh, I actually do have his name – Tommy Lee Wallace.

The book covers about 1/3 of the actual novel, focusing solely on the protagonists childhood. Smart move, this story is too obtuse and intricate, anyone who tried to cram it into a two hour timeline would surely fail. IT  has been such a hit that prices for the original novel on eBay have skyrocketed. The film has gone on to break records at the box office and overshadowed Blade Runner 2049. The films greatest attribute is the comedy delivered by the young cast – specifically Richie Tozier played by Finn Wolfhard.

Nerd alert: First editions of Stephen King’s “IT” are currently going for a pretty penny on eBay.

The interactions between the young cast and the basis in the 1980s (vs the novel which was based in the 1950s) the film has somewhat of a Stranger Things vibe to it.

For those you planning on reading the book – be forewarned. This film is half as offensive as the actual book. King took over four years to write the novel (1981-1985) before it’s original publication in 1986. There is much more descriptive violence, racism, homophobia and even an orgy like seen between all the children. Yeah, pretty messed up. King admits that “things were different back then” and probably wouldn’t have written that part today. Oh yeah! “Back in ’86 it was nothing out of the ordinary to write an orgy with children in it! Man, how times have changed!(Knee-slap).”

Child-orgy aside – this novel was King’s best work and it has finally been translated appropriately onto the screen. IT scores a 9.0 on the moron-meter and is one of the best films of 2017.

Full Time Fool

Full Time Fool has been with Moron Reviews since it's inception in 2015. He reports on music, craft brews and technology.

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