(Shreveport, LA) — The Thompsons, an atheist family who found themselves moving into one of the most religious cities in the US, is feeling a little bit left out this holiday season.
“Well, we moved here due to my work transfer,” confesses Pete Thompson. “I didn’t really pick Shreveport, but it was such a promotion that I had to take it.” Pete who works for Christ on a Cross Industries, the largest B2B supplier of crucified Jesus Christs to churches, could not miss such an opportunity and took the plunge.
“We realized this is one of the most christian streets in the country and that we were moving in right around Christmas time,” says Shelley Thompson, husband of Pete and mother of two. “We tried to make a compromise and put up holiday decorations while omitting the whole ‘Christ’ ‘God’ thing.”
Next-door neighbor, Christian Swanson doesn’t find the Thompson’s actions to be a valiant effort. “They put up a nativity scene, except instead of having a baby jesus in the manger – they put in an Alf doll instead. What does that even mean? Is that a joke?”
“Well, we want to be good sports and fit in with our new neighborhood, but still remain true to our beliefs,” responded Mr. Thompson. “Bullshit,” retorted Stewie Allgood. “You don’t get to participate in the Christmas fun if you don’t believe in the baby Jesus. They just want to have their cake and eat it too. Except… it’s not cake. It’s a fuckin’ Alf doll.’
“I gotta agree with Stewie here,” sided Christian Swanson. “I fell off the roof twice and caught fire once while putting up decorations this holiday season. I take it serious and I don’t want some non-believer half-assing it next door to me just cause they think it’s fun. This is not fun. This is Christmas. No-one should be enjoying it!”
“The Alf in the nativity scene was too much, but they crossed the line with the crucified Batman,” proclaimed Betty Sellers, who lives three houses down. “I don’t even know what it is, but it looks like a life-size Batman doll crucified to a giant neon letter T“.
“Well, it’s actually a letter T from a WalMart store that closed years ago and I offered them $20 for all the letters,” confesses Pete. “They said all they could give me for $20 was one letter – so I picked the T which our last name starts with…”
Mary defended her husband, explaining this unorthodox type of decoration. “My son is a huge Batman fan and feels that Batman really died for our sins in The Dark Knight Rises,” stated Mary. “I know, they show him at the end with Catwoman, but my son chooses to believe Batman died for our sins.”
“Apparently, some of our neighbors are helping us out with our decorations,” exclaimed Pete. “Just last night, there was what looked to be a bag of burning dog poo on our front doorstep. I don’t know if this is a common Christian decoration, but we appreciate the hospitality. Merry Christmas to all!”