The day Cleveland fans have dreaded has finally come… again. In the wake of Lebron James’ 4 year 153.3 million dollar contract with the Lakers, a town once full of hope has fallen silent… again. While the signing will obviously effect Cavaliers 2018-2019 season, LeBron’s leave also effects more than just the Cavaliers.
“I just put my house on the market” states Larry Feldmeyer. “I know I’m gonna get lowballed on my asking price now that he is leaving”. Larry who owns an 1100 square foot bungalow in Eastlake, the city that calls itself “the crown jewel of Lake County”, fears he will no longer be able to get his $400,000 asking price for the dilapidated 1955 property. “I bought this house for $30,000 in 1985 and with the market being so hot the last two years, I thought I’d up my price, but now I don’ think I’ll even get $300,000.”
As with many other hillbillies in Northeast Ohio who also wanted unrealistic prices for their houses, the blow to real estate seems to hit many. “I made $140,000 last year in commission on real estate alone,” says former cosmetologist and high school graduate Sara McMeyer. ” Sara reiterated her struggles working in the real estate market “I mean, like, I work hard for my money. Like, I have to go meet my potential clients at like 5 houses a week. I have to unlock the house, walk around the house with them, show them all the rooms and then I have to lock it up after all of that – it’s crazy.” Sara also fears that her 22 hour work week might be effected by the Kings exit. “I’m probably going to have work like 30 hours a week now, and clear $80,000 a year… if I am lucky.”
This threat ripples through Sara’s entire family in fact, as it will effect her brother Stewie, who charges $500 for home inspections for all of Sara’s sales. While some describe Stewie’s home inspections as “Dicking around on a smartphone and pointing out the obvious of each home he inspects that any mook is capable of doing,” Stewie feels differently. “I am really worried about my business,” says Stewie. “I’m living paycheck to paycheck over here” states Stewie while he trailering his newly purchased third crotch rocket.
The real estate market isn’t the only industry taking a blow in Northeast Ohio. “Yeah we couldn’t have picked a worse time to open our new microbrewery” says Jeff Wilmire, owner of Cleveland’s 58th craft brewery to open in the last two years. “Craft brews go hand-in-hand with LeBron, I don’t know how this will effect me or the other 58 Cleveland Craft Breweries.”
While none of the Cavaliers have commented publicly on LeBron’s decision, one mascot has been quite candid. “I’m getting the fuck outta here, that’s what I am doing,” stated Moondog with an unlit cigarette from his mouth while driving out the Quicken Loans Arena parking garage. “These fools paid this man millions over the years and I’m still driving an ’84 Cavalier. Shoulda kept Kyrie!”