( Schaumburg, IL) — A recent fire that took place at an Illinois suburban mall this holiday season has the local law force scratching their heads. While no one was hurt, authorities have opened an investigation. Schaumburg Smokers Mall which is the last mall in the US that permits its shoppers and employees the right to smoke indoors while they shop, has unexpectedly burned down.
“It really is sad to see it go,” said Kyle Bowman, Store Manager of the last B.Dalton bookstore on earth. “I mean ‘yeah’ everyone’s first thought was that the fire was probably caused by a cigarette someone forgot to put out, but I have a different theory…”
During holiday hours the mall goes “smoke-free” in it’s Santa’s Sleigh section where children of all ages can sit with Santa on his sleigh and tell him what they want for Christmas. One of the Santas wasn’t so jolly about the decision to remove smoking from the Santa’s Sleigh section.
“This is utter horse shit,” exclaimed 25 year Mall Santa veteran, Frank Clauscan. Clauscan takes a puff from his Doral cigarette as we accompany him during his smoke break. Clauscan himself, has come under fire for coincidentally being on his smoke break at the exact time the fire started. “First, they made me start going outside to smoke. Now, they’re accusing me of setting fire to the mall. Like I said: horse shit.”
When located during the fire, Clauscan’s only response was one of indifference. “This Mall is a shit hole anyway…” said Clauscan, looking on at the blazing mall while he flicked his cigarette into a perfectly dried pile of vintage newspaper clippings from the 1800s.”I just want to watch it all burn,” said Clauscan as he stares off into nothing. Clauscan who has worked as Santa Claus at Schaumburg Smokers Mall for 25 years also works as a custodian and head of pest control in the off-season.
“Now, just cause I said I wanted to watch it burn, doesn’t mean I started the fire,” retracted Clauscan. “Fire really is a beautiful thing when you get past the destruction. I get lost in it when I look at it. Like it puts me in this trance.” Rumors have surfaced that Clauscan has stated several times “If you cut my wages again – I’m gonna burn this mother to ground!” He went on reiterate that while he did make such statements, he was “only being dramatic.”
Clauscan is being charged with arson and could possibly face a sentence of up to 25 years in prison. When taken into custody, his only response was “I already gave you sons of bitches 25 years!” as he was dragged away screaming. Clauscan’s case will go to trial in January 2018.
