Moron Reviews

April Fools can only mean one thing – The First Annual Foolie Awards has arrived. The ceremony took place yesterday in Studio City, California. The “Foolies” were created to honor the late Ulysses J. Foolie. Mr. Foolie was a pioneer of public critiques as well as comedy. Though never given proper credit nor acknowledgement, Ulysses J. Foolie has been cited as the man who created comedy.

Multiple sources have sited different origins of how Sir Foolie created comedy, but only one remains verified by relatives. Ulysses was taking a trip to Egypt in search of cheap prices on ice to import back to his native state of Alaska. During his visit, he slipped on a banana peel in an ancient Egyptian pyramid and thus comedy was born.

When Foolie returned home to his beloved, Fanny Ester Foolie, he told her of his travels. She responded to the story by reciting a then unknown phrase – “ha-ha”. The story spread through the grapevine with each storyteller ending it with “ha-ha” and thus, lead to the creation of the human laugh. Though his beloved wife later sued him by attempting to copyright “ha-ha” the suit was thrown out of court and people everywhere were allowed to say “ha-ha” across the world.

Mr. Foolie also believed that anyone should be able to give their opinion on topics they know nothing about and should be allowed to publish those exact thoughts and rankings as fact. He viewed himself as an advocate for human rights. He fought for people’s rights to voice their opinion to the public, without any accreditation or verification, as fact rather than opinion.

Ulysses sadly met his demise in 1890 while visiting a piano repair shop to pick up his newly restrung Steinway. He was waiting in line for his piano when an inexperienced high school employee dropped a baby grand on Mr. Foolie from two stories above. The paramedics tried to revive him, but ironically, his teeth fell out in the style of piano keys. Many Looney Tunes characters would go on to suffer the same fate. Particularly, Mr. Wile E. Coyote.

We here at Moron Reviews appreciate everything Mr. Foolie did for the world of comedy and we are honoring him by creating this award ceremony in his name.

“Alat su due, es veritas per se dium anoct espus,” Mr. Foolie.

“He who keeps his head down in search of banana peels, never looks up to see the piano above him.”

Moron Reviews would like to issue the following awards in acknowledgement to those who have made significant contributions to the world of arts and sciences. The awards were issued as follows:

Horror Film of The Year

IT

8.6/10

In 1986, Stephen King published his biggest work to date – IT. The first edition Viking publication clocked in at 1138 pages (longer than the original release of The Stand) and weighed several pounds. King had the initial idea for IT by driving across country on vacation. While navigating to his destination, he traveled over many interstate bridges and got the idea of “What if there was a troll underneath the bridge and was trying to convince innocent bystanders to come down to his lair?” Thus, IT was born.

Ah, the 1980s – before kids were coddled  by modern-day helicopter parents, kids actually listened to music with parental advisory stickers and even read Stephen King books.  Later on in the 90s, there was a reading program called “BookIt”. Basically, it rewarded kids who read books by giving them certificates for personal pan pizzas to Pizza Hut. What a great idea. Let’s reward all the introverted bookworms who like to read and force them into child obesity by rewarding them with unlimited access to diabetes-inducing personal pan pizzas. Being overweight surely won’t give them a rough time once they enter puberty.

The first three books I read for BookIt were Thomas Tyron’s Harvest Home, Stephen Kings The Green Mile and finally, IT. I actually remember being surprised that no one seemed alarmed that a 12-year-old was reading IT. I think it’s because a lot of people acted like they knew the book, but were too lazy to actually read all 1000+ pages of it. Because no one I knew had read it, adults included, no-one thought anything of the disturbing material I was reading. I don’t mean disturbing as in gory violence and some profanities, but as in detailed racism, homophobic slurs and sexual encounters among children.

Stephen King’s IT has been a blockbuster at the box office while The Dark Tower proved to be a turd better flushed. This has created a newly inspired interest in the novel IT by people who barely have the attention span for reading. I’m sure some of you remember the horrible ABC miniseries of the novel from 1990. God, was that terrible. I had a hard time accepting how a book could be so great, but make for such a shit movie.

The guy who made the ABC miniseries for IT is probably feeling like shit after the 2017 release. Tim Curry probably hasn’t felt this bad since he ate DelRoy Lindo’s sesame cake in 1996’s Congo.

Sci-Fi Film of The Year

Bladerunner 2049

8.4/10

In the future, men won’t have sex with real women, but synthetic ones… I have a feeling most of the guys that saw Blade Runner 2049 on opening night, aren’t having sex with real women anyways. The theater I saw this at was 90% male so that gives you some insight into the demographic that makes up  Blade Runner 2049. I’d be lying if I didn’t have a sneaking suspicion that one or two of the men in the audience, may have someone locked in their basement while they attended this screening.

Here we are,  30 years have passed since Harrison Ford hunted down his last replicant and that guy who looked like a young Danny Trejo left a paper unicorn in front of Ford’s apartment – we get the next Blade Runner. It is great to see that Harrison Ford was on board for the film at his age. While some may have expected Ford to look more wrinkled than a Shar-Pei’s nutsack in a suitcase, he looks great and audiences have welcomed him back to reprise his role.  Surprising to many, Ridley Scott is not reprising his role as Director, but as Executive Producer.  Dennis Villeneuve (Sacario, Prisoners) is at the directing helm of Blade Runner 2049, fresh off of his eight Emmy nominations for Arrival.

Condiment of The Year

Secret Aardvark Habanero Sauce 

9.4/10

Read many lists that raved about this hot sauce and had to order if off Amazon in order to get it. I really didn’t think it would live up to the hype, but this hot sauce is the perfect amount of flavor, heat and freshness all balanced equally. Tastes more like a fresh salsa than just a hot sauce. The heat is not overpowering and lingers for just the right amount of time after tasting it, but doesn’t overstay its welcome.

Origin: Portland, OR

Heat Level: Medium

Ingredients: Tomatoes (Tomatoes and Fire Roasted Tomatoes, Tomato Juice, Citric Acid, Calcium Chloride), White Wine Vinegar, Carrots, Water, Yellow Onion, Habanero Chile Pepper (Habanero Chile Peppers, Water, Salt, Citric Acid), Mustard (Distilled Vinegar, Water, Mustard Seed, Salt Turmeric, Spices), Organic Cane Sugar, Salt, Modified Food Starch, Garlic, Sunflower Oil, Herbs and Spices.

Peppers: Habanero

Beer of The Year

Beaverton/Garage Project/Stone Fruitallica – Double India Pale Ale

9.3/10

Album of the Year

1. Queens of The Stone Age – Villains

8.3/10

Don’t let the lackluster lead single The Way You Used To fool you – this album is solid. When I first heard the lead single I was extremely disappointed, but thankfully it was not indicative of the rest of the album. While it doesn’t live up to 2013’s “….Like Clockwork”–  it’s still the best record of 2017 from a songwriting perspective. Villains Of Circumstance is up there with Into Into The Hollow, Running Joke, and I Sat By The Ocean as far as vocal melodies go. Josh Homme has come along way since Kyuss where he played simple triad, detuned blues-rock riffs through a bass amp. He’s grown a lot as a songwriter without becoming too poppy.

You can’t help but feel a little screwed when a collection of 9 songs is considered an album, but maybe it’s due to the fact that no one makes money off of albums anymore.

Unfortunately, we made this list before Josh Homme kicked a photographer in the head. We don’t know what the reason was and definitely do not condone this type of behavior, but Villains still earns album of the year from Moron Reviews.

I have an open letter to Josh Homme – I will let you kick me in the face for $40 K  $20 K- that is a hell of deal and surely a fraction of the amount that photographer is going to ask for in her lawsuit. You just let me know.

We won’t “kick” a man when he’s down so we will post an acoustic solo version of “Villains of Circumstance” instead of the video of him kicking a photographer.