Moron Reviews Presents The Second Annual Foolie Awards

April Fools has long passed and that can only mean one thing – The Second Annual Foolie Awards has come and gone. The ceremony took place April 1, 2019 in Studio City, California. The “Foolies” were created to honor the late Ulysses J. Foolie. Mr. Foolie was a pioneer of public critiques as well as comedy. Though never given proper credit nor acknowledgement, Ulysses J. Foolie has been cited as the man who created comedy.

Multiple sources have sited different origins of how Sir Foolie created comedy, but only one story remains verified by relatives: Ulysses was taking a trip to Egypt in search of cheap prices on ice to import back to his native state of Alaska. During his visit, he slipped on a banana peel in an ancient Egyptian pyramid and thus comedy was born.

When Foolie returned home to his beloved, Fanny Ester Foolie, he told her of his travels. She responded to the story by reciting a then unknown phrase – “ha-ha”. The story spread through the grapevine with each storyteller ending it with “ha-ha” and thus, the human laugh was born. Though his beloved wife later sued him by attempting to copyright “ha-ha” the suit was thrown out of court and people everywhere were allowed to say “ha-ha” across the world.

Mr. Foolie also believed that anyone should be able to give their opinion on topics they know nothing about and should be allowed to publish those exact thoughts and rankings as fact. He viewed himself as an advocate for human rights. He fought for people’s rights to voice their opinion to the public, without any accreditation or verification, as fact rather than opinion.

“He who keeps his head down in search of banana peels, never looks up to see the piano above him.” – Ulysses J. Foolie’s dying words.

Ulysses sadly met his demise in 1890 while visiting a piano repair shop to pick up his newly restrung Steinway. He was waiting in line for his piano when an inexperienced high school employee dropped a baby grand on Mr. Foolie from two stories above. The paramedics tried to revive him, but ironically, his teeth fell out in the style of piano keys. Many Looney Tunes characters would go on to suffer the same fate – particularly, Mr. Wile E. Coyote.

We here at Moron Reviews appreciate everything Mr. Foolie did for the world of comedy and we are honoring him by creating this award ceremony in his name.

“Alat su due, es veritas per se dium anoct espus,” Mr. Foolie.

“He who keeps his head down in search of banana peels, never looks up to see the piano above him.”

The 2019 Foolie Awards was a star-studded event that had its share of celebrations as well as heartbreak.

Moron Reviews would like to issue the following awards in acknowledgement to those who have made significant contributions to the world of arts and sciences:

 

Product of The Year

 

 

 

Pur-Well Living Weighted Gravity Blanket

9.2/10 

When you’re the sole writer for a website called “Moron Reviews” that tends to shit on particular brands and celebrities – it can be somewhat hard to sleep at night. While the thought of people burning down the very house you sleep in can be unsettling, Pur-Well Living’s Gravity Blanket will put the most hated’s worries at ease. To quote the very question John Lennon asked, “How do you sleep?” I have a simple answer – my Pur-Well Living Gravity Blanket of course.

 

 

Comedy of The Year

Super Troopers 2

8/10

17 years has passed since Broken Lizard broke onto the scene with a then independently financed comedy, Super Troopers. The comedy troupe was formed in New York while members were students at Colgate University. Even though Super Troopers gave the goof squad positive recognition, they’ve had several misfires since (Club Dread, Slammin’ Salmon), but the group has regained their former glory with Super Troopers 2. This film will surely get a low rating on Rotten Tomatoes (I haven’t even checked) as this comedy is best suited for males ages 12 – 55.

As with all Broken Lizard entries, Jay Chandrasekhar is back at the helm, directing this 100 minute slapstick comedy while all members have returned to reprise their past roles.

Condiment of The Year

Melinda’s Red Savina Hot Sauce 

9.1/10

 

 

The world of hot sauce has always been a niche market with a dedicated following, but in the last 5 years the industry seems to have exploded. Much like the craft beer boom, hot sauce companies are pumping out new flavors on a monthly basis. Case in point: Melinda’s has just released a whole line of new hot sauces and wing sauces on top of their line of legacy sauces. While we here at Moron Reviews are fans of the original line (XXXtra Hot Habanero Sauce, read our list here) the new line has raised the bar for hot sauce producers everywhere. We found all of the hot sauces enjoyable, but the Red Savina definitely stood out. A perfect blend of lush red savina (a style of habanero) this hot sauce almost has a tomato puree taste to it that is followed by a long yet enjoyable tail of heat.

Ingredients: Red Savina pepper mash (water, red savina peppers with seeds), fresh carrots, onions, lime juice, vinegar, garlic, salt, and xanthan gum.
Heat Level 4/5: Fiery with a distinct chile forward flavor.
Uses: Great for adding a burst of heat to any food, especially Latin, Asian, and Mediterranean.

 

Beer of The Year

Two Roads Brewery Two Juicy IPA

9.1/10

This IPA from Two Roads Brewery is nothing short of delicious. The world of IPAs has become oversaturated which makes this category even more competitive. Yes, my favorite style of beer is in a state of overabundance and that is due to the fact that IPAs are actually one of the easiest style of beers to make. Your common Bud Light and Miller Genuine Draft beers are actually more complex to brew (due to them being lagers) than your overpriced craft brew IPA of the month. It still is refreshing when I find a beer that is stands out amongst the millions of IPAs.  Two Juicy is citrucy and sweet without any bitterness. Definitely a beer best suited for hot summer days or just getting news of an impending layoff.
Two Roads describes the beer as an unfiltered, cloudy “New England style Double IPA” that uses generous amounts of Hallertauer Blanc, Citra & Mandarina Bavaria hops. The result is a “juicy”, fully-charged DIPA with notes of grapefruit, pine, lychee, orange & tangerine against a soft malt backdrop.”

Album of the Year

Chvrches – Love is Dead

CHVRCHES- Love Is Dead

8.9/10

 

 

This Glasgow-based synthpop band burst onto the music scene in 2011 as “Churches”, but to make their name hipper and confuse people over the age of 32 they tweaked it to “Chrvches” in 2013. A trend of the 2010s was to subsititue letters with characters and alternate spellings such as many bands in the witchhouse genre defined (∆AIMON, GL▲SS †33†H, GR†LLGR†LL). It’s funny how certain music styles come in and out of vogue and Chvrches appears to be borrowing from early 80’s new wave, but tweaking it with 90’s electronica in a somewhat formulaic, but ultimately enjoyable mix.  There’s nothing wrong with liking some teen pop music. The layout is simple and melody reigns supreme for Chvrches with synthesizers painting an ambient yet melodic background. Not all pop music is bad – sometimes you just want a hooky chorus and a catchy beat and there’s no point in taking yourself too seriously if that is what you’re after.

We’re living in a scary time where not only have computers taken over the business world, but also the music world. If you learned sometype of phyiscal instrument I feel bad for you as the future will be dominated by drum machines and computers that don’t require the inconvenience of having to learn how to play an instrument in order to make music.

Notable Tracks:

Deliverance

Forever

Graves

Heaven/Hell

Wonderland

 

Now let us watch a video of three guys in skinny jeans and reasonably priced H&M clothing not play instruments and someone half my age make more money in 8 minutes than I will in 2 years… enjoy.

Full Time Fool

Full Time Fool has been with Moron Reviews since its inception in 2015.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *