A Jaded Man Reviews Star Wars – The Last Jedi

A splash of Frank’s Red Hot will do a porg just fine…


Robots that do all the work for you and woman who fight to protect you… if this is what the future has to offer – please sign me up. I don’t like fighting and I sure don’t like doing work so I think humanity as a whole, is heading in the right direction.

The Last Jedi starts off with a comical open between the Nazi-esque General Hux, played by Domhnall Gleason (yes, son of Jackie Gleason) whose ineffectively trying to talk some proverbial smack to our beloved boy – Poe Dameron. I’ll cut to the chase – The Last Jedi, is the best of the last three in my opinion, narrowly beating out The Force Awakens. I’m not really a true Star Wars fan either. The only thing I miss is the absence of the sassy english robot, K-2SO from Rogue One.

The reason The Last Jedi is the best of the last three is that it combines action with effective use of comedy. Let’s be honest – Star Wars scripts aren’t necessarily comprised of the most creative plots – young person sets out to fight evil, evil exposes the fact that it was once good, but something unfair happened to them and that is how they became evil. I can relate, because on a daily basis I am rationalizing with myself and justifying my actions by basing them on some irrelevant unfair event that happened to me years ago… Still, at the end of the day – I know I am full of shit whereas these films do not, but “hey” these movies are for kids.

Maybe I’m too old or just too jaded to get into Star Wars movies… or any fantasy movie for that matter. They’re just too unrealistic for me. When Rey and Ky Loren communicated through telekinesis I found myself saying, “Oh horse shit, You can’t do that…” I felt the same way when Lord of The Rings when it came out. I’m like “that would never happen in real life.” Maybe I’ve been too jaded by the reality that I have to live in everyday, that I cannot even escape it for two hours via a fictional film. Then I say to myself “This film is kids, you idiot.” Then I’m like “Oh yeah” and take a long slurp of my soda.

Maybe that’s why I love the dark side. Am I the only person who actually roots for Kylo Ren? Honestly, I thought his name was Kyle Lauren, son of famous fashion designer, Ralph. If I was a Star Wars character – I’d totally be on the dark side. Kylo Ren got screwed growing up and he ain’t afraid to admit it. Let’s be honest: Fin, Rey – total dork squad. If Ky Loren is “the dark side” then Fin, Rey and Po are “the dork side”. I mean the fact that they are the dorks in the Star Wars universe – that’s saying a lot.

The only problem with The Last Jedi is the part where Mark Hamill is teaching Rey the force. At 2 hours and 20 minutes the movie could stand to be a little bit leaner and this sequence where Rey is training in the mountains with the outcast Mark Hamill could really be cut. The rest of the film has excellent pacing with exception to the second act. I won’t lie – I kind of zoned out for about 10 minutes during this part cause it was so boring. Besides, I think we all know what the force is at this point. And if you don’t know – you’re like the dumb guy who skipped class all semester and then raises his hand the week before finals and asks, “So what’s on the final again?”

One of the most insignificant creatures is actually getting the most attention – the porg. A controversy has sparked over a scene where Chewie is about to dig into a freshly, fire-grilled porg when a live porg gives him the sad doe eye treatment, effectively guilt tripping him not into eating it. The audience is missing the real point here – the porg is already cooked. Wether he eats it or not is of little significance. It’s just good food going to waste.Do you like your porg medium or well done. Apparently, Chewie feels the same way. Personally, I like my porg with a dash of Frank’s Red Hot and a splash of lime.

If you look closely at the roasted porg Chewie is about to eat – you will see that it has pigeon-like claws. This supports my theory that a porg is simply a pigeon who mated with an owl. I think I’ve cracked the code on how the porg came to be. A pigeon, which is the rat of the sky essentially, probably lost its way in outer space and into the boonies and mated with a hillbilly owl and that begat the porg.  So there you have it – the porg is essentially a sky rat that mated with an owl and tastes great with a lil Frank’s Red Hot. The porg should really be called a “pigowl” or “powl” for short.

The Star Wars fever is spreading. Movie theater employees are starting to take their responsibilities a little too seriously.

Theaters across the world have experienced a surge of business, but not all of it is positive. Many fights have broken out in theaters worldwide, siting generational conflicts between new Star Wars fans and purists of the original. “These kids just don’t get it,” said Henry Albright, 58, a retired comic book collector. “They’re just into it for the current popularity and the coolness that’s associated with being a Star Wars fan. Everyone knows that guys who are obsessed with Star Wars movies get all the chicks. I mean that’s just common sense.”

The debate didn’t just end there – another crowd, the Star Trek crowd, is voicing its disapproval of all Star Wars fans in general. “They’re just trend whores – Star Wars has always been the most popular of the sci-fi universe cause it’s trendy. True science-fiction fans know that it all began with Star Trek. Star Wars was just a ripoff that was constructed to appeal to kids and make more money,” said Hershel Schwartz, 72, retired action figurine collector.

While many can understand the dispute between the two crowds – Star Wars fans vs Star Trek fans – a yet unprecedented third-party was also heard from – the Babylon 5 fan base. “Oh my god! Star Wars! Star Trek! I’m sick of hearing about both! Both franchises had too much action and entertainment. Space isn’t really that action packed. It’s boring. It’s a bunch of different creatures from different planets forcing un-stimulating conversation on each other while they travel light years on a space ship. It’s like an IT office but on a space ship,” said Emelio Guartez, 43, avid comic book and action figurine collector.

“First Star Trek got a cool reboot in 2009, then Star Wars in 2015. I’m telling you, Babylon 5 is gonna be the next big reboot and you will see how much more of a superior franchise it is,” preached Emelio before he was lifted vertically then turned upside down in the air, and plunged head first into a toilet bowl while it was being flushed.

“I’ve had it with you kids! Take it outside!” 

Mark Hamill has no problem putting his Star Wars days behind him as he shops at a local grocery store dressed like Luke Skywalker. “We actually asked Mark for his Skywalker outfit back several times,” stated The Last Jedi Costume Director, Sara Brigsby. “He just keeps dodging us by saying he had to get it cleaned or changes the topic entirely.”

Mark Hamill unsuccessfully tries to go unnoticed in public…

Hamill has also reportedly stated that he is being replaced for a younger, sexier actor – Daisy Ridley. “I get it – they want a good-looking woman to be the next Jedi. Well, I can certainly get a few simple surgeries and I’ll fit the bill. Look at Caitlyn Jenner.” Recent rumors have suggested that Mark Hamill and Zach Galifianakis are actually the same guy. “I mean, you never see them in the same room together…” alluded Last Jedi co-star Oscar Issac.

Could it be?

Final Moron Review scores on the Moron Meter:

The Force Awakens 8.7

Rogue One 8.4

The Last Jedi 9.0


Full Time Fool

Full Time Fool has been with Moron Reviews since its inception in 2015.

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