Halloween season is upon us and it’s time to gear up and make sure you’re prepared. While times have changed – the spirit is the same so choose wisely on what items you hand out to your trick-or-treaters. And one thing to remember: kids are much more terrifying than they used to be so simply giving them any treat is not really a favor in their eyes. Entitlement lives on halloween night as well. Not only have laws changed, but so have allergies so you need to be careful. Handing out candy to a child with allergies is grounds for jail. You don’t want to be serving “five to ten” for giving a twelve year old with a peanut allergy a “Payday” candybar. Remember: laws are created to protect children – not adults. Here is a list of things to avoid handing out which will surely guarantee your safety:
11. Old People Candy (Werther’s Originals, Candy Corn)
We know. It says “Top 10” but the fact is we couldn’t not mention Werther’s Originals and other old people candies. Werther’s Originals and old people seem to go hand and hand like polyester pants and orthopedic shoes. A Werther’s Original may have been all the rage in the 1950s, but today it’s really not much more than a mint. Candy corn is also godawful. Steer clear of this and you wont get assaulted by any of your trick-or-treaters.
10. Anything with Almonds/Coconuts in it
I don’t care if you have an affinity for Almond Joy. I know there is a small group of you disgusting people that think Almond Joys and Mounds are not absolutely detesting. Just let it go. It’s like the one person who wants anchioves on a pizza – you ruin it for everyone else. As we mentioned earlier, kids today seem to be allergic to everything, so unless you want a homocide on your hands for giving a twelve year old a Mounds bar – just keep it nut-free this Halloween season. Besides, you’ll get your dose of nuts come Thanksgiving – when you have to deal with your relatives.
I don’t know if people still do this, but in the 90s, people used to hand out batteries, typically 2 AAs. In the 90s AA batteries were our number one fuel source before gasoline went off the chart. The technology was so simple, everything could run off of a AA battery: Sony Walkman, TV remotes, Flashlights. 1990s America was powered on the AA battery. And what was our biggest qualm? When we would open a device to replace the batteries to only find that they required AAA. Man, did that piss me off. AAA batteries? Really? They’re almost the exact same size and shape as AA batteries so did we really need to create the AAA battery? Looking back: receiving batteries for Halloween wasn’t that bad of a deal, but I don’t think today’s youth of America, with its powerful modern-day toys, can be powered by a set of Duracell AAAs. Every kid over eight years old has an iPhone anyways. Needless to say, If you expect to hand out batteries to a positive reaction, I hope you have hurricane rated shutters cause they just might come back – flying through your windows that is.
8. Anything Frozen
I specifically remember going to a house during Halloween 1995 and a man that gave us frozen LIL DEBBIE treats. We knocked on his door and he answered the door very startled, as if he was asleep and we had just woken him. We responded with a fairly unconfident “Trick or Treat?” Our added uncertainty made the phrase even more of a question. “Oh jeeze, hold on!” the man responded in a bothered tone and disappeared into his shack for what seemed like an eternity. He returned with frozen brownies that he slammed into our open paws. He quickly closed the door with not so much as a “Happy Halloween” and disappeared like a troll into the forest. As we walked down his driveway, I remember my one friend taking the brownie in his hand, staring at it for about three seconds and then chucking it back straight at the troll’s house. I’m not saying my friend’s actions were justified, but I’ll never give trick-or-treaters frozen goods after witnessing that.
7. Tennis Balls
I don’t know if this is a common occurrence in neighborhoods across america, but the neighborhood I grew-up in was notorious for having a guy that handed out tennis balls every Halloween. In retrospect it was a decent treat if you consider the going-rate for a tennis ball. We thought “Wow, this guy gives us tennis balls. That’s expensive!” But then we found out that he actually worked for a tennis ball company and they were either comped our stolen. As the years went on, he stopped handing out “fresh, brand-new tennis balls” and started giving us lightly used ones. They weren’t filthy, but you could tell he or someone had gotten in more than a few matches in with them. A tennis ball is hand-sized sphere that is meant for traveling at high velocities – let me put it in layman’s terms – it’s great for throwing at houses on Halloween. In fact, it’s worse than eggs, atleast eggs cant break windows.
6. Toothpaste/Breath Mints/Gum
There always has to be some idiot who takes an event like Halloween and does the inverse of the spirit of the holiday and decides to preach to children about health. One idiot I recall, gave us tubes of toothpaste, reminding us that the sugar found in most Halloween candy actually destroys your teeth. Thanks, idiot. We know. And you trying to shed some light on it isn’t going to stop our hunt for candy. We have toothpaste at home – this isn’t 17th century England where the typical civilian looks like they could eat corn through a fence.
5. Office Supplies
Similar to toothpaste – this is a handout that is just asking for a house egging. Or as I like to say “beggin’ for an eggin'”. It pretty much tells us “Hold on, let me fish some shit out of my office drawer and pawn it off on you kids as a Halloween treat.” Staples, Scotch-tape, paperclips – no thanks. I mean you could at least give us markers and disguise it under the idea of an “arts and crafts” toy.
4. Political Paraphanalia
Have you ever have a friend or relative who always tries to tie their irrelevant political views into the end of, what at first seemed like, a genuine conversation? Like “Yeah, I heard the iPhone is manufactured by child labor in China. You know who loves iPhones? Jimmy Carter.” Like we didn’t pick up on that. Keep your political opinions to yourself or if you feel it is important- get involved in something constructive that addresses the issue, don’t try to recruit young unknowing children who are on a simple quest for candy.
3. Mini Bibles
Hey, it’s a free country and if religion works for you – that’s great. Just don’t force it on children, or anyone else for that matter. The good lord can have the other 364 days of the year, but Halloween is the devils holiday, it’s his one day of the year – so just let him have it.
2. Fresh Fruit
I grew up in the 90s where kids basically lived off of pop. I’m sure I would have mainlined Mountain Dew into my veins if they sold a product. Microwaving meat that came in a plastic sealed dinner tray and then eating it was nothing out of the ordinary. The 1990s was probably the height of the synthetic food dynasty, sure the 1960s gave us tv dinners, but the 1990s gave us foods loaded with Nutrasweet, Saccharine, Sweet N Low and all the fat free products you can think of. I guess FAT was the big enemy of the human diet in the 1990s. Skim Milk, Kraft Fat Free singles. Sure, the problem with Kraft singles was that there was fat in them – not the plastic that it was also composed of.
I don’t know what is about getting older that allows people to think that they are in a position to give advice to those born after them. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you’re qualified to steer the youth of America with your stories of failures or successes. “Getting old” is no achievement, in fact lots of terrible, witless people make it to their golden days, so do you really want tips from the likes of them?
There you have it. If you successfully avoid handing out any of the previous 10 items listed above – you surely wont receive any damage to your home. Godspeed.