Moron Reviews

Halloween safety has been an important topic since the 1990s. Before the 1990s – eh, not so much. We always hear about the importance of “staying safe” on Halloween, but it’s typically geared towards children. But what about adult safety on Halloween? I don’t know about you, but I am starting to feel like adults need as much protection on Halloween as kids do. Particularly, the adults that are handing out the candy. At first it was simply a nice gesture that you gave any children candy, but now there is entitlement and certain standards that are expected to be met by the children who are trick-or-treating. I am all for protecting children on Halloween, but what about me? What about the adults safety?

TOP 10 WAYS FOR ADULTS TO STAY SAFE THIS HALLOWEEN

10. Make a list of the most intimidating kids that live on your street
Reserve special, “top-shelf” candies specifically for them when they come to the door. Much like how small businesses paid off the mafia to keep them from destroying their companies, you too should hold the same strategy for the bullies in your neighborhood.

9. Place a trip-wire inside your front door
If one of your trick-or-treaters decides to move into your personal space and get “handsy” with you, they will be taken off balance the second they try to enter your home. This will buy you about 20 seconds as you can run out the backdoor of your house and escape by foot.

8. Only dispense candy through the mail slot of your front door
Simply use the peephole to see how many trick-or-treaters are present to determine how many treats to push through the slot. The problem with this method is that most Halloween candies are not going to fit through a mail slot. We recommend: Kraft Cheese Singles, Nori Sushi Wrappers, and Fruit by the Foot as they work quite effectively. The problem with Fruit by the Foot is that you have to slowly unravel it through the mail slot, so make sure your trick-or-treaters have their bags ready on the outside to catch it before it hits the dirty ground.

7. Print out fake money and hand it out to the bad kids that live on your street
The goal here is that they will eventually be arrested for using counterfeit money and thus removed from your neighborhood. This can backfire though for one reason: if they find out it’s counterfeit and they don’t get arrested – they know where you live and they’re on the loose. Also, you gave them the fake money because they are bad in the first place. The fact that they are bad makes them more likely to be violent, so lock your doors and good luck.

6. Leave your entire bowl of candy on your front step and simply hang out your second floor window with a megaphone and binoculars
This allows you to instruct them “one piece of candy per trick-or-treater, please” with your megaphone from the safety of the second floor of your house. Use the binoculars to visually confirm that they are only taking one piece of candy. This method is extremely safe for adults because you don’t even have to open the door – which is just asking for trouble to begin with.

5. Pretend like you have Alzheimers and are not aware that it is Halloween
When the kids knock at your door, give them a very strange look like you are perplexed by their presence at your front door. Ask them kindly “Excuse me, can I help you?” When they say “trick-or-treat”, give them a confused look and ask them to reiterate what it is, exactly that they want. Keep acting disoriented, eventually you will make the kids (even the bad ones) feel uncomfortable and they will leave without a hassle. Even the bad kids will layoff you because “Who would threaten a sweet, old man who doesn’t know what’s going on?”

4. Wear A HAZMAT suite
Children are known for harboring sickness. This is all part of their plan – get sick and then transfer the disease to an adult and kill them. While their immune systems are relatively weak, their bodies are strong – so don’t be fooled by this. Their little cough is nothing more than a clever ruse to get you to think they are sick and thus, let your guard down – allowing them to strike. Pull no punches here and always keep the contamination level low and outside of your house.

3. Hand out candy with a pair of Salad Tongs
If you gotta open your front door and hand out candy, fine. If you can’t afford a HAZMAT suite, fine. But there is still no reason to distribute sickness by exchanging treats with your bare hands.

2. Border off your entire front yard with Crime Scene tape 
No one’s gonna rob a house that just got a robbed – or a house that is PRETENDING that it just got robbed, that is. When the kids show up and ask where the candy is. Just sit on your front step with a bag of frozen sweet peas on your head and just slowly repeat “They took it… they took it all… candy… tv… my car” while you stare off into nothing.

1. Just don’t answer the door
This can be a double-edged sword and may result in broken windows, but it requires zero effort and allows you to safely hide within the confinements and safety of your home. You can even get things done: balance your check book, alphabetize your movie collection. We recommend disconnecting the doorbell and locking the doors. Playing loud music will also drown out any trick-or-treators demanding candy.