(Columbus, OH) – Harvey Barfield was feeling a little distant from his teenage son, Noah. “I don’t know. I tried to talk to him, but he doesn’t say much,” confided Harvey, 49. “It’s not like I am some out-of-touch Dad. I am hip! I talk about music with him all the time. I gave him all of my Moody Blues records and he really didn’t have much to say. Then I realized it was time for a change.”
Harvey’s wife, Sara, feels that he is going about mending his relationship with their son in all the wrong ways. “He spends hours scouring the internet, trying to find new viral videos on YouTube. He’s constantly making memes and now he only responds to texts in emojis. Honestly, I’m worried.”
“Oh, please!” exclaimed Harvey. “Sara is just a hater cause she is self-conscious about her age. She’s just mad that I am more hip to what’s going on and have my ear to the streets,” said Harvey as he posted a dog picture of himself on Instagram. “I just get millenials. I don’t judge them like everyone else.”
“I am not self-conscious about my age nor am I slandering millenials,” responded Sara. In her opinion, Sara feels that her husband is ignoring common sense in order to be in touch with the younger generation. “I just think it is stupid to eat Tide Pods no matter what age you are!” Sara went on to state the Tide Pod Challenge officially got on her nerves when she went to wash clothes and there wasn’t any detergent left. “I went to do laundry and I couldn’t because Harvey had bitten into all the Tide Pods for his ‘Tide Pod Challenge‘ YouTube videos.”
“People are so dumb, we’re not actually eating Tide Pods – we’re just biting into them. Get it straight, morons,” exclaimed Harvey, wearing his newly purchased “Netflix & Chill” novelty tee and oversized Kardashian sunglasses.
“I see the challenges young people face today and that’s why I want my son to be comfortable being himself. I told him that people used to say the same thing about my generation,” reflects Mr. Barfield as a tear drops from the corner of his eye. “The older men used to make fun of my long hair because during their generation – only hippies had long hair. So why should I criticize a generation just because they love to bite into Tide Pods?”
“Harvey never had long hair,” points out his wife. “He’s had a buzz cut his entire life and has always been clean-cut. I don’t know why he is making up this fake past of how he was criticized for his appearance. He used to wear pleated slacks and button downs everyday in high school. We went to a public school too, so there wasn’t even a dress code, he just liked dressing that way.”
We finally went to the source that spawned Mr. Barfield’s strange behaviour – their teenage son, Noah Barfield. “I don’t even eat Tide Pods. I know there are a bunch of Tide Pod Challenge videos, but those are just stupid. My Dad thinks because people my age are doing that, then I must be as well. He also seems to think I only listen to electronic music, but I don’t. I am actually into a lot of classic rock.”
“Harvey has gone so out of his way researching current teenage trends that he doesn’t realize Noah likes some of the music Harvey himself listened to,” exclaimed Sara. “He even bugs Noah’s friends, trying them to ‘do Tide pods’ with him.”
“Personally, I don’t want that man (Harvey) anywhere near my son,” said Mrs. Krabapple, mother of Stephen Krabapple, friend of Noah Barfield. “He hangs out around the school, after class lets out, with sunglasses on and tries to get my son to bite into Tide Pods with him.”
Tide has recently published a statement, telling consumers not to eat Tide Pods because they are not made for ingestion. “Ha,” scoffed Harvey. “Typical greedy corporation telling consumers what to do with their products. If I buy Tide Pods with my hard-earned cash. Sorry, fat cats but I’ll do whatever I want with my Tide Pods.”
