The Holidays are upon us and we here at Moron Reviews want to help you gear up for the holidays so you’ll be prepared come Thanksgiving day. People all across the country will pack into cars and fight traffic to get to their final destination where they can then fight with their family members. Here are 10 ways you can get into the holiday spirit…
10. State that the Native Americans “had it coming” and should’ve “wised-up” before it was too late for them
We all know the dark backstory of what really happened on Thanksgiving day. No, the pilgrims didn’t peacefully dine with the Indians as elementary school drawings depict. If you really want to push some buttons on Thanksgiving – this is the topic.
9. Condescendingly thank people for showing up early, ahead of the agreed time
It’s good to be on time, but an hour early is another ball of wax. Unless you are having dinner with the Marine Corps. – showing up at 5 am for 1 pm dinner is sure to not go over well with your hosts. Plus, this isn’t an interview, you’re going to impress anyone by being 10 minutes early.
Chances our that your hosts’ are probably running behind and need all the time they can get to prepare for your unwanted arrival. Show up 10 minutes late for the holidays to give your hosts’ some breathing room.
8. Spike the turkey onto the floor and then explain you thought that it was a football due to its overcooked leathery texture while hiding all signs of sarcasm
Salmonella poison is no laughing matter, but it’s also no excuse for someone cooking the shit out of the turkey to point that it resembles Keith Richard. Unlike beef, cooking poultry requires true expertise – there is no “rare” or “well done” when it comes to the Thanksgiving turkey. You’re either spot on or you nuked the goddamn thing to the point of no return.
7. Say “This is really good Jell-O” right after you dig into the green beans
People will think you were being sincere when you compliment a particular dish. But the fact that you thought it was supposed to be a completely different dish is the real slap in the face.
6. Reveal dark personal things about yourself after downing a large glass of wine
A good way to cause others discomfort at a family function is to confess things that others are uncomfortable knowing about you. When you feel them start to pull away, firmly grab them by the arm and continue by saying “I’m not done with you yet…”
5. Question your family members’ choice in significant others
Brining a new boyfriend or girlfriend home for Thanksgiving is never easy. Make statements like “Well, I guess it’s better than dying alone” about your family members choice in the opposite sex.
4. Make bold statements while holding a drink in your hand
Statements you make always seem to lack validity when you say them with a drink in your hand. Statements like “The Cleveland Browns cannot do any worse next season” or “I put my stock back in Blockbuster video – they are going to make a comeback” and “I only take off my electric monitoring anklet when I leave the house.”
3. Comment on your hosts’ lack of quality name brand foods
Let’s be honest – you get what you pay for in this world and the world of food is no different. If your host refrains from using quality name brands you can subtly point it out by making comments like “Oh, Great Value gravy is great. It tastes the same as Heinz, but cost half the price!”
A great way to have a family member pull you aside and ask “Is everything is ok?” is to use products like Value Time and Great Value food products. This will also make them worry about your financial situation and possibly offer to pick up the tab for all the groceries you bought to prepare for Thanksgiving.
2. Ask if one of the children did the cooking
A nice way to insult someone’s cooking is to assume it was that of a child’s. You can take them down a peg by acting like you were complimenting a child’s attempt at cooking. When they inform you that they (an adult), indeed did the cooking – You can back-pedaling quickly by double talking your way out of the situation. State that the food tastes so good and that the children must be so talented that they successfully pulled off such a complex dish.
1. Make a political statement
Seeing that elections take place in November (or so I am told), Thanksgiving has always been the most politically heated holiday. The downfall of having a winner is that someone has to be the loser and a lot of this animosity is bottled up until a social setting where alcohol is present… Thanksgiving day.
While a Trump vs. Hillary debate will surely send sparks flying, even past political campaigns can stir up old feelings. While it may have been a long time ago, some elections still remain sore subjects for many.